The “WHAT MY KID WILL BE WHEN IT GROWS UP” Continuum

my dad. kicking the sh*t out of the Easter Bunny. circa 1984.

Dearest parents: worriers and dreamers, all — do you ever wonder what your kid will be when it grows up?  Do you have really high hopes, and are those hopes based in any part on reality or do they have anything to do with your own unrealized ambitions?  If so, that’s okay.  I’m just saying don’t put all your eggs in that ballerina basket. Or the professional sports star basket.  Or the rocket-scientist basket.  Because even if you are the kinda dad who will rundown/assault and batter the Easter Bunny to make sure your kids GET a basket, um…they might not get that one.  For, behold –there are an awful lotta stops on the “What My Kid Will Be When It Grows Up” Continuum.

Looking back, I would say that my professional goals for my offspring were very modest, inasmuch as I had nothing particular in mind.  I decided long ago that the best approach to this particular conundrum (besides brainwashing them from toddler-hood to believe that finishing school meant at least a bachelor’s degree) was to facilitate the exploration and development of their individual characters/values. “Really?  You and your friends are going to set your “my life is the worst life ever” poetry to music and have your own band?  Great idea!  And you – you’ve decided that, in lieu of a career, you’re going to marry a CEO so you can lunch with your friends, bake cookies, and drive your one kid to soccer practice in your ginormous SUV every day? LOL!  Okay! That sounds like it could really work out! Meanwhile, you might want to go ahead knock out those general study courses…just in case.”

dam squirrel

Are your kids funny?  If so, I predict that you can stop worrying right now ’cause they’re going to be okay, thanks to the very same thing that keeps polar opposites from becoming enemies; i.e., well-developed (and carefully cultivated) senses of humor.  I first knew my own would be okay on that fateful elementary-school day that I found them rolling around the floor in tears from their discovery of “The dam man went to the dam to get some dam water.”  They went on for hours.  At first I tried (albeit half-heartedly) to put a stop to it.  But when they started speculating about the different dam animals visiting the dam, I gave up, ‘cause that’s hilarious.  But I digress.

The key to parental happiness in this arena is perspective.  The way I see it, getting your kid to want to do/be anything is half the battle!  Occupational satisfaction is directly proportionate to one’s belief in the purposefulness/meaningfulness of the work, and/or in one’s own value as a contributor – even if the only person one cares about contributing to is oneself.  Parents should find reassurance in this perspective since almost anything their kid chooses to do with his/her life could conceivably fall within the happy medium of our continuum.  I believe that there is honor in (almost) every legitimate occupation, because I believe that it says something about your character that you get up and go to work every day to provide – even if only for yourself, and even if only as a “means to an end” or to “make ends meet.”

I believe in the value and dignity of work.  And in brainwashing kids into thinking “must go to college,” because while the key to their eventual occupational success is not necessarily guaranteed to be found in higher education, it can’t hurt to have them look for it there while they’re “trying to find themselves [or a marriageable CEO],” waiting to be discovered, and/or knocking out those general study courses…you know, just in case.

Rites of Passage: The Matrix

no child (of mine) left behind

You have heard it said that with great power comes great responsibility.  I submit that the inverse is true in the parenting arena – at least, every now and then…if you’re lucky.  With great responsibility comes great power (here, “power” is interchangeable with ordinary “ability”) to see your children through certain rites of passage.  There’s the first word (you want so much for it to be “momma,” but it never is – in this regard, you are powerless), first day of school, first lost tooth, first crush (and subsequent heartbreak), first day of school.  In such a way do the days pass – or fly by, rather, ‘til they’re older, and the rites are interspersed with the “talks”.  You know the ones I mean.  The important ones.  Your power to influence their thoughts/feelings on such subjects is limited only by how much they trust that you know what you are talking about (lol!) and/or how much attention they are actually paying you when you speak on the important matters (if they’re texting, it’s not a good sign; see my advice column response to that particular dilemma).  Next thing you know, there’s the first date, the driver’s license, the first job…

and then there’s The Matrix…

In my opinion, it is your duty as a parent to introduce the subject of the Matrix at random intervals during your child’s development — toss out a line every now and then and see what you catch.  You’ll know when they’re ready.  Happy is the mom and/or dad whose child asks (as my oldest recently did) about it on their own!  Y’all know I have always taken my responsibility as a parent very seriously – doing all that is within my power to leave no (preparedness) stone unturned.  I mean, if there were any “stones” — which there aren’t.  And if that doesn’t blow your mind, then god, you are boring perhaps you are not the sort to observe this particular rite of passage.  To each their own – but as for me and my house, we will watch/discuss The Matrix.

new DSM-V disorder: EMOFUSION

this one’s gonna make me a LOT of money…

Diagnostic criteria for 000.00 EMOFUSION Disorder

A pattern of negativistic and self-pitying behavior at the onset of puberty, characterized by extreme delusions of being misunderstood and repressed, lasting until a reality check is encountered, during which all eight (and more) of the following are present:

1. Often from a comfortable, middle-class background, with ordinary parents.
2. Often insists that their lives in a quiet subdivision, in a bedroom equipped with their own computer and entertainment center is not only the worst life they could possibly have, but the worst life anyone has had, ever.
3. Often writes poetry or “lyrics” about how painful his/her life is.
4. Often references their “countdown ‘til 18” clock on Facebook.
5. Often takes/posts pictures from ridiculous and unnecessary angles.
6. Often speaks in a low, depressed monotone.
7. Often goes on hunger strikes when he/she does not get the latest “Evanescence” or “My Chemical Romance” cd the day it is released.
8. Often hangs out in the mall around Hot Topic, since that is the only place that “understands” them.

Note:  Consider a criterion met only if the behavior occurs by a person wearing black clothing and copious amounts of black eyeliner, with a dyed-black, typically one-eyed haircut. Otherwise, see 313.81 Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or 111.11 Spoiled Rotten Brat.

kids on facebook: the “sleepover ” effect

• PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY

if your kid is on facebook, and you are not monitoring their page, you are crazy — and let me go ahead and go there — NEGLIGENT. i know some parents pride themselves on being “cool” and being “friends” with their kids — how convenient! too bad it doesn’t stop your sons/daughters from bullying, talking like gutter trash, posting whorish photos, and/or putting theirs/yours/anybody else’s business out there on front street for the world to see.   i guarantee you that the mother of the girl i recently spoke against for suggesting that adults “suck her cock” has no idea that her little girl is talking like that on facebook.  one has to wonder who is on the child’s “friend” list.  nobody should have to wonder, however, about who is actually responsible.  wake up! or don’t say you weren’t warned or play the “how could this happen” card when your kid ends up victimizing or victimized.

that being said, i am certainly not suggesting that your kid will not cross the line if you are monitoring their online activity — i have one who is especially determined that i should “mind my own business” — but the last time i checked, if you are under 18, and i gave birth to you, everything you do is my business!  and who pays the internet/cell phone bills? even if they chip in on that w/ earnings from their part-time jobs — so?!  if they’re not 18, they can’t sign a contract for these services anyway.  it is by your grace that they are permitted the privilege to communicate in this manner, and if they can’t act/talk/type like they have some sense — partially because their frontal lobes aren’t fully developed — that’s where you, the parent, comes in.  don’t tell me you have time to run 18 virtual farms/cafes/whatever the latest time-consuming rage is now, post pictures of everything you and everybody else in your family does, and comment on all your friend’s status updates, but don’t know who your kid is talking to or what they are talking about online.

• “PERPETUAL SLEEPOVER”

when i was a kid, it was a rare privilege to have somebody spend the night, or be allowed to spend the night at someone else’s house.  i can still remember two of my favorite sleepovers very vividly — the end of 5th grade at kathy edmonds’s house with tracy alexander and the end of 6th grade at jennifer cox’s house, with brandi anderson, wendy cox, and christa martin.   we stayed up all night, watching movies, eating, gossipping about everybody we knew or ever heard about, playing practical jokes and/or scaring the crap out of each other.  we literally wore ourselves out.  until those occasions occurred — and, again, in my life, they were extremely rare, we didn’t really know how good or bad we had it compared to someone else.  we didn’t know what all of our friends were doing every minute of every hour of every day.  we didn’t know, and we were better for it, because we were asleep or doing chores or homework, or reading a book, or playing outside. cellphones and social networking changed everything, creating a perpetual “sleepover,”  whereas kids are ALWAYS ON.  if an update comes in before they fall into REM sleep — well, who needs that anyway besides EVERYBODY?

kids nowadays are known to sleep with their phones beside their face, ’cause god forbid they miss a text message or status update! how could life as they know it go on if they didn’t immediately become aware of the existence of the latest cryptic remark about unrequited love, or how much someone loves/hates so-and-so, or how much someone’s life sucks, or how they can’t f-ing wait until they turn 18.   kids today desperately want to do/have everything they know their friends do/have.  my memaw used to call this phenomenon “keeping up with the Jones-es,” i.e., “we ain’t keeping up with the Joneses!”   i had occasion to hate the Jones-es for doing/ having everything i didn’t, but not too often, ’cause there weren’t that many sleepovers, unlike today, where the party never stops.  and while there is nothing wrong with talking to/commiserating with your friends, the sleepover needs to end occasionally.  otherwise, when are any of them functioning optimally?  and if you think they are, either this message does not apply to your super-conscientous kid, or they’ll be even MORE amazing after you pull the plug, ’cause,  again, that’s where you, the parent, comes in.  i wouldn’t be surprised to find a correlation between the perpetual sleepover, and the the increase in teenage depression, self-harm, and even suicide.  someone will undertake this study soon.  if i were at all confident in my researching/statistical powers, i would do it myself.  my friends/colleagues are welcome to jump right in there.  just remember, you heard it here first 😉

it is a fact that potential employers check facebook before making hiring decisions — it is a resource that provides an inside view into the personality/character of potential applicants.  it is as useful a tool for parents to at least attempt to shape the personality/character of their children — in the very least into something worth hiring, unless you plan on paying their cellphone/internet bills for the rest of your/their lives.  it could even save their lives.  the internet is still a very dangerous place.  some people don’t believe me when i say that.  to hear them tell it, i am the lamest, most paranoid/intrusive/abusive mother to lay down and bring forth life.  but i have been in the business (of criminology and craziness) long enough to know better than some people — and i will not hesitate to ask a grown man what business he has telling my minor child she is “hot”, and/or asking if he would like to remove himself as a “friend” or explain his interest in children to the authorities.  (reality check:  if you are over the age of 18, and i don’t know you, you can’t possibly be my child’s “friend.”)  that’s my job.  it’s everyone’s job who has a kid old enough to act like they’re grown on the internet.  so please, govern yourselves (and your children) accordingly.

On Child Support/Young Parents:

Dear Parents who pay child support:

Congratulations. Even more if the custodial mother or father didn’t have to ask/fight for it. Congratulations on doing the right thing.

A non-custodial parent pays X amount of state-guideline-determined dollars per month for the support of their issue.  Know how much a working custodial parent contributes?  Every single dollar they earn.

I find it absolutely appalling that we live in a world where fathers can go to jail for not working to support their chidren, but mothers are not held to the same standard because it is less expensive for the state to provide the mother with free rent/food/medical care, etc., rather than enforce the law equally, lock ’em both up, and assume the expense of raising the children as wards of the state.  After all, somebody has to mind the children — nevermind the quality of caregiving.  Foster care is just another form of incarceration (not saying there aren’t some great foster parents out there, because I know from personal experience that there are) but incarceration is not the answer. I think education, meaningful occupation, and self-esteem are the answers.

At the risk of playing devil’s advocate, I have served in professional capacities that have allowed me to witness the flip-side of the incarceration debate — i.e., a parent who owes 10k in arrearages, upon being faced with incarceration (or actually being incarcerated) somehow magically comes up with the funds to liberate him/herself — but could not be bothered with the inconvenience of working, begging, stealing or borrowing the money for the lesser satisfaction of knowing their children are decently sheltered/clothed/fed.  It is a gamble that the state loses more than it wins — but it is always willing to roll the dice.  In 2008, Virginia spent $0.60 on corrections for every $1.00 it spent on education — what in the actual hell?!  I don’t have more recent figures.  But I am willing to bet they’re even worse.

My second thought on this issue is as follows: women and men (but mostly women) who do not seek the assistance of the absent parent are not doing the children, themselves, or the absent parents any favors.  It is not noble to do it all by yourself — even if you can.  It is not even noble to save the absent parent from incarceration — even if you do not believe it’s fair — because these are the natural and lawful consequences of their failure to perform in accordance with the expectations and regulations of the society in which they choose to live (and procreate).  It should not be within your power to “save” them from those consequences, no more than it is within your power to make the choices that bring them to that point. At the end of the day, nobody is going to thank you or give you an award for not demanding [not your own, but] your children’s due.  That is your responsibility as parent/advocate.  Children cannot, in their minority, demand what is theirs by right at law — and by all that we hold decent and honorable in our society.

Occasionally, the offspring of a hardworking single parent may hit it big and dedicate a rap/country song to your efforts, or buy you a house, but that is a gamble that pays off even less than the state’s.  Why risk it?  You’ll still get that song/house even if you fight for your children’s rights — meanwhile, an occasional trip to Disney World and/or the random pair of shiny-new Jordans does not constitute a meaningful financial constribution to your child’s well-being.  Yeah, I said it.  Any one parent who works to support their children is doing no more than they must; both should be held equally responsible/accountable.  Whether they are planned or unplanned, you did not create your children by yourself.

Finally, the real mind-blowers are not the resentful noncustodial parents who do the right thing only to avoid jail, but the non-working custodial parents who think they are entitled to a free ride without ever getting their hands dirty, truly or metaphorically. the “I don’t want my kids’ dad to go to jail, but social services made me report his paternity/information [so I could get a check]” type.  Are they really thinking the day will come when their kid will say, “You and Dad might not have had jobs, or wanted to support me…ever, but it’s not your fault Dad went to jail.  They totally made you do it.  By the way, thanks for providing us with that section 8 apartment, where I had to share a room with my two half-siblings, whose fathers you were also “forced” to report.  The 10th through the 31st of every month was hell, Mom, but we sure did have some good times on the first.” Is that really going to happen?  Again, it is not in the custodial parent’s power to “save” the non-custodial parent.  Chances are, if your children aren’t born of the type of man or woman who will do whatever it takes to see them provided for, they’re going to eventually go to jail, regardless.  Again, not that jail is the solution.  But if it is what it is, I’m all about some chain gangs.

The true solution, I think, can be found in self-esteem; in early-age preventative education that allows young men and women to pursue higher education and meaningful occupation. That given, the self-esteem will take care of itself.  I think a lot of parents who don’t do the right thing by their children truly wish they could — but “wishes don’t do dishes” and a goal without a plan is just a wish.  I personally wish that I could reach out to all young women — before they (intentionally or unintentionally) become parents. We all know it takes two, but ultimately, the woman DECIDES — as she is the only one who can have a baby.  I wish I could tell these young girls that they have options, and they can have it all — without having to do it all alone — in due time, because I don’t think they know it.  I also believe more young men would do the right thing for a woman’s love (physical and otherwise) and for their children, if the right thing was demanded.  Finally, I think that unsupported children are the wages of loneliness, which begins in the childhood of their parents, and which, I believe, is at the heart of most psychopathology.  I see this dilemma as a circle.

Sex is a poor substitute for love, and a baby won’t hold a man — but how many young girls would believe it?  Unquestionably, a baby is a link; too many girls erroneously view it as proof that they were loved by/”belonged” to someone. How sad that that we have “evolved” past the point of that mattering — to anyone?

When you play with fire, you’re going to get burned.  Interpret that as you will, so long as your interpretation includes the understanding that children are the blameless consequences of pursuit of reckless pleasure.  And payment, in some form or another, is due and inevitable.

On Children and Discipline:

People who are not, at some time in their lives (preferably early) exposed intimately to others who care enough about them to both love and discipine them will not learn to be responsible.  For that failure, they suffer all their lives.

I met hundreds of those people as a prison counselor.  Almost down to a man, they presented with the same feelings of entitlement, the same excuses, the same failure to accept responsibility for their choices that they learned at any early age.  They were not all “bad” people — far from it.  Most were just so far removed from their potential that they forgot they ever had any. Some never knew they had any.  It is an understatement to say that their focus was misdirected, considering where I met them.  I used to ask them what they wanted to be when they were children.  Most didn’t remember — at least, not in the introductory phase of our relationship.  But they all loved to talk about the things they’d gotten away with, the profits they made and/or how they were wrongly convicted/imprisoned.  The criminal mindset is a fascinating study.  It is not as far removed from a victim mentality as one might think.  Both originate in childhood.

Holding an unwilling child to the responsible course is beyond painful.  I speak from experience.  But what is the alternative?  Is it worth suffering the pain of a child’s anger to save them the pain of a lifetime of irresponsible choices?   If you’re any kind of parent, you will hurt every time your child hurts, regardless.  Might as well make it count.

What child understands that love and discipline are interconnected?  Discipline must always have within it the element of love — i.e., “I care enough about you to force you to act in a better way.  In a way that you will come through experience to know, and I already know, is the right way.”

Some people might object to my use of the word “force.”  Self-assessments indicate that I lean toward a more authoritative style of parenting, whereas my daughters’ father is permissive.  This disparity makes me the enemy.  I do not enjoy being the enemy.  I have said many times that I am not my daughters’ “friend,” and I am not running a household democracy where “every vote counts” but neither am I a “because I say so” kind of mother.  When reasoning fails to convince my child of the appropriateness of my standards, and when no explanation suffices, I have to fall back on what I know. and what I know is that I know best.  What teenager believes that?  I know I didn’t, but my life was very different from the life my children enjoy — or would admit to enjoying, if they knew how good they had it.  I have done my best to raise them to know.

At some point, we have to stop questioning and/or beating ourselves up as parents and let our progeny make the choice to follow our example or instructions — or not, with the understanding that those choices have consequences.  We do them an even greater disservice by preventing them from experiencing the consequences of their choices than we do by failing to impose limits.  Life will teach them what the best of parents could not persuade them to learn while under the umbrella of their protection.  I like to think there will come a day in the lives of every parent and child when that child will say, “Mom/Dad, you were sooo right!”  Until that day comes, hang in there!  If you are doing the best you can with the information and resources you possess at any given time to keep your offspring alive and well until that “Countdown to 18” clock runs out, I say you are ahead of the curve!  And that is commendable.