new DSM-V disorder: EMOFUSION

this one’s gonna make me a LOT of money…

Diagnostic criteria for 000.00 EMOFUSION Disorder

A pattern of negativistic and self-pitying behavior at the onset of puberty, characterized by extreme delusions of being misunderstood and repressed, lasting until a reality check is encountered, during which all eight (and more) of the following are present:

  1. Often from a comfortable, middle-class background, with ordinary parents.
  2. Often insists that their lives in a quiet subdivision, in a bedroom equipped with their own computer and entertainment center is not only the worst life they could possibly have, but the worst life anyone has had, ever.
  3. Often writes poetry or “lyrics” about how painful his/her life is.
  4. Often references their “countdown ‘til 18” clock on Facebook.
  5. Often takes/posts pictures from ridiculous and unnecessary angles.
  6. Often speaks in a low, depressed monotone.
  7. Often goes on hunger strikes when he/she does not get the latest “Evanescence” or “My Chemical Romance” cd the day it is released.
  8. Often hangs out in the mall around Hot Topic, since that is the only place that “understands” them.

Note:  Consider a criterion met only if the behavior occurs by a person wearing black clothing and copious amounts of black eyeliner, with a dyed-black, typically one-eyed haircut. Otherwise, see 313.81 Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or 111.11 Spoiled Rotten Brat.


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