GROUNDbreaking Research!

Since moving far, far away from a Starbucks that was so close I could pretty much reach it with a ginormous straw from the balcony of my lair, I have been tirelessly conducting important research in the field of grocery-store coffees.  For you.  From which I have concluded as follows:

Alas. That I was just a couple of giant Pixy Stix and/or hungry orphans short of living that dream…

1.)  Grinders are worth it.  You know I am right.  Because nothing says “fancy living” like inconvenience.

2.) #NeverTapWater


3.) Starbucks Brand Beans/Ground = LOL.  NOT THE SAME.

4.) Dunkin Donuts Brand.  Tastes Like Bojangles’ coffee, from which all should rightly flee.  Unless you were born in the Great Depression, in which case, that shit is like liquid gold.  Miss you every single day, Memaw. ❤

5.) McDonald’s Brand = PrEying Mantis Piss.


6.) Taster’s Choice Instant “Coffee.”  Yeah.  Why not?  When every moment counts because the Zombies are coming and/or the power is out and/or you’re too worn out from death-battling the citizenry for the last gallon of milk and/or loaf of bread to wait.  Taster’s Choice is what you get for not getting the fuck off the grid while you had the chance.

7.)  Maxwell House.  AKA “Roundup in a Cup.”  Mmmmmm, Monsanto!  Your future children will be sterile.  Or you will be.  All part of their plan.

monsanto-cup8.)  Folgers “Black Silk.”  When you like your coffee like you like your Presidential Elect’s heart.  No amount of cream and sugar shall temper this injustice.


9.) Chock Full O’ Nuts.  What does that even mean?!  Nope.

10.)  ANY brand “Cocoa Roast.”  Tastes like a cup of lies.  Will never make anything close to a Venti Mocha.  Never.

11.) Food Lion Brand “Morning Blend.”  A happy surprise.  Closest thing to the Blonde Roast/Flat White I have yet discovered to be home-possible.  Presumably due to the .125 percent ground-up lion.


You’re welcome.


2 thoughts on “GROUNDbreaking Research!

  1. Peets. West coast coffee. hard to find. to die for.

    Seattle’s Best Coffee. Cheap. In Food City in Pulaski. It’ll do pig. It’ll do.


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