Did you know that the first Tuesday in August is National Asshole Bee Day? You do now! In celebration of this brand new holiday that only non-government employees will be paid to celebrate on a Monday so they can have a three-day weekend, please enjoy the following comic representation of my simultaneous awareness of three things:
- Bees are total assholes
- I have been stung five (5) times in August
- August doesn’t have any holidays
Five times, and plenty of August left. I don’t even care! Because the way I see it, pretty soon I will have bee powers. That is, if I am not destroyed in my epic quest to destroy bees or get bee powers. BUT FIRST! Some useful information about bees:
- Bees are assholes. I’m not talking about the pollinators. Those are fluffy and cute; we need those. And nevermind that they’re not *all* “technically” bees, Mr. Scientist.
- Bees will completely fuck your shit up by any means necessary — including but not limited to hijacking the balcony of your lair, or flying into your car when you are at a stoplight and stinging you in the arm. They hope you will swerve off of the road and wreck, so they can lay their eggs in you while you are incapacitated because A) some bees are too lazy to build a nest; and 2) they don’t understand that you’re not going to swerve off the road when you’re stopped at a red light because bees are stupid assholes.
- When those bee eggs hatch, they will eat you. That is the entire point of you, according to asshole bees. Upside: You might still have a chance at that point. I mean, since you know they are there. And they’re like…little. And pretty much defenseless. Downside: Unless the reason you know they are there is because they’ve hatched inside your brain, where they will eat your hopes and dreams, essentially making your last day on earth feel like another day at the office.
- In addition to you, bees eat other bugs that are also trying to murder and/or eat you, chase you around with more legs than you have, and/or stare at you with more eyes than you have, wishing they could eat you. That is pretty much the only good thing about asshole bees, since there are over a billion bugs for every one of us. If bees don’t get you — and, ohhh they want to, they will get every living thing that is too stupid, too slow, or too asleep at a stop light to get the living fuck out of their way.