In tribute to the unparalleled badassedness that is Game of Thrones, I submit (for my daughter Samantha, and for my beloved readers) a parody of the emo anthem classic from my youth: Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters.”


So close behind the ice wall
White walkers come to kill ’em all
Seven Kingdoms are soon to fall
And nothing else matters

Terrors, yes, but not just for dark
Winter comes; not just words for Starks
Tyrion, we will miss your snark!
And that’s all that matters

Long night comes, and the dead come too
Free folk, crows, they’re all zombie food
One giant?! How much can he do?!
And nothing else matters

We can’t know where all they’ll go!
Can they march where there’s no snow?!
We don’t know!

Broken Reek, who once was Theon
Arya serves a vengeful God
Where the fuck are Bran and Rickon?!
I don’t think it matters…

Dragons chained and cannot fly!
Dragon glass in short supply!
Goodbye’s nigh!

Jorah Mormont won’t leave Mereen
Dungeons full of remorseless queens
Lannister is Hand of the King
None of this shit matters…

Podrick Payne and Lady Brienne
Bolton versus Baratheon
Ramsay’s boast of “20 good men”
Like that’s going to matter?!

They don’t care bout words they say!
They don’t care bout games they play!
They don’t care bout Iron Thrones!
They don’t care who made Jon Snow!
But I know…

Red-haired whores and their Lords of Light
Black-robed crows watching walls at night
All are snacks for creepy kid wights
And nothing else matters…


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