CORN ON THE COB as a Non-Pharmacological Intervention for the Temporary Treatment of Situational Sadness

corn porn
corn porn

Have you recently had a terrible day?  And did your terrible day (or two) leave you feeling sad and comfortless?  Do you feel the need to consume food — or not, but figure, “Meh.  Might as well”?  Consider corn on the cob.  Corn on the cob is having none of your sadness.  In fact, it dares you to try to eat it and be sad, after which it will say “Nice try,” and laugh at your (even) sad(der) attempt to win at that which is unwinnable; that is, eating corn on the cob while being sad.  Then probably you will laugh too, because you appreciate and delight in absurdity, and that your situational sadness has led you down the road that ended with you being pw3nd by corn on the cob is funny — I don’t care who you are.

Corn on the cob is yellow, therefore you cannot be sad while eating it.  I don’t make the rules.  Sorry, those are the rules.  You can be as sad as you want to be crying into your dreary gray oatmeal or…staring into your morbid-ass bowl of whatever-colored PROGRESSO “Soup” you have sadly and mistakenly chosen over the time-honored goodness produced by Campbell’s, but you’ll never get away with that nonsense while eating the cylindrical sunshine that is corn on the cob!  No one ever has and no one ever will.  It is known.

Me.  In Dinosaur Form.
Me. In Dinosaur Form.

When I bite into a corn on the cob, I get the sensation that I am an Apex Predator, stomping around an impossibly verdant Mesozoic Era landscape, scream-hissing at and/or bite-clawing into everything that made me sad, inasmuch as I understood sadness with my bird-sized brain, which I did not.  Ever onward, I roam — unhesitatingly tearing everything apart that I encounter whilst enroute to destrume (new word!) as many things that make me feel ?!! as possible before passing out from sheer exhaustion, secure in the knowledge that nothing exists that would dare try to destrume me…

Masters of the Universe

Or I am nine years old, sitting on the top of a weathered red picnic table with my brothers in the backyard of a world of endless summer Saturdays, eating corn straight from the garden without a care in the world.  With hours of death-defying adventures awaiting — clubhouses to construct,  trees to climb, kingdoms to defend, battles to fight, and records to break before we are called home by our dad’s whistle, which we never failed to hear no matter how far we wandered.  I stopped trying to learn/mimic that whistle when I turned 10.  I cannot be sad about that when I am eating corn on the cob, that is my point.

Get the sensation.

I take mine with me everywhere I go…just in case.

Knowledge is power.  Become empowered HERE and also HERE by learning the secrets of perfect corn on the cob preparation, and right HERE by learning about the king of the dromaeosaurids.  DO let this knowledge/power go right to your head, and use it to further your interests in whatever way seems meet.  Be sure that corn on the cob as a non-pharmacological intervention for the temporary treatment of situational sadness will tide you over until you can draw upon the strength of your inner dinosaur.

Corn on the cob is not for everyone.  People without teeth should not attempt to eat corn on the cob, as their inability to do so has been linked in clinical trials to validation and /or exacerbations of feelings of inadequacy.  In addition to temporarily suspending feelings of sadness, corn on the cob may cause an uncontrollable urge to floss upon consuming corn on the cob.  Corn on the cob has been attributed to choking in infants and small children born of criminally negligent persons, whom everybody knows goddamned good and well (but nobody likes to say) should have never been allowed to breed.  People taking Mirapex (generic name Pramipexole) for Restless Legs Syndrome may experience increased gambling, sexual, or other overpowering urges, and may attempt to blame this on corn on the cob due to co-occurring Mirapex-induced amnesia, which has also reportedly been experienced by persons taking prescriptions statins for high cholesterol.  Those taking Abilify may experience coma or death AND difficulty swallowing, for which corn on the cob is also not to blame.   Women who are taking birth control pills will experience increased risk of liver cancer, and may experience benign but dangerous liver tumors that may rupture and cause fatal internal bleeding for which corn on the cob is not a remedy.  Asthma-related deaths attributed to the asthma treatment medication drug Advair cannot be prevented by consuming corn on the cob.  Suicidal ideation experienced by those suffering from major depression and/or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder treated by Paxil (generic name Paroxetine), or those whose Nicotine Dependence is treated by Chantix may, in fact, have better luck with corn on the cob, as would Viagra consumers whose sexual partners just want to get some for-Christ’s-sake sleep, already.  Corn on the cob cannot provide you with the emotional support you lack in interpersonal relationships.  The way corn on the cob works is not entirely understood by anyone.  Ask your doctor if corn on the cob is right for you.


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