Dear Road Raging Douchebags Who Lay On The Horn The Second The Light Turns Green:
Ohhh, I’m sorry — am I holding you up by not killing these pedestrians? Settle down a little bit! I KNOW the light is green, but I can’t exactly GO when the sign clearly says turning vehicles must yield to foot traffic, can I?! Look at that old lady — not even halfway across and trying her damnedest to get to Yarn World, or whatever has moved into that building across the street. What is wrong with you? I am pretty sure you are the reason they had to put up that sign, since the rest of us learned in high school driver’s ed that pedestrians have the right of way. If you mow people down in a crosswalk so you can get to wherever you’re going (i.e. Starbucks) twenty seconds sooner than you might have by sparing lives, can you really expect a jury of your peers to consider that involuntary manslaughter? No, you can’t. You are a douchebag. Also — You. Need. Anger. Management. Oh, hey — speaking of Starbucks:
Dear People at Starbucks with Laptops:
Hey, wow – I can’t help but notice that you are annoyed, seeing how you’ve made it so blatantly obvious ever since that empty sugar packet drifted to the floor and broke your concentration/ruined your life. I’m so sorry to interrupt your work on the Great American Novel (or whatever the fuck you’re doing on your laptop) with my coffee shop patronage. Believe me, I wouldn’t even be here it if my companion didn’t consider it the most special of special treats. Not to worry — that is one of the beliefs I covertly attempt to change while overtly attempting to change the ones that brought them to me in the first place. After all, it’s just coffee. And I’ve had better.
“That’s what she said.” – Michael Scott
Anyway, Laptoppers, my point is that if your “work” is at such a crucial stage that it can bear no interruption, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing your “work” in a COFFEESHOP. Go home! Or go to the library, where everybody has to be quiet or they get in trouble. Is the library not hip enough for you? Might you not get noticed there? Hey, I get it. There’s no point in being a writer if there’s nobody to watch you do it. But I betcha that homeless guy at the library will notice you. Even if only to note that his computer is waaayy cooler than yours. And he is further along with his book.