Hi, how are you? I am fine. I was just wondering why your commercials for Cinnamon Toast Crunch are so terrible. Who is in charge of your marketing department nowadays? Did you check his references?
The reason I ask (and the reason I say his) is because I note that your most recent antithetical nightmare of an ad specifically targeting ladies features a crazy-eyed piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch standing on the edge of a bowl fishing with its own tongue. Having watched pieces of Cinnamon Toast Crunch eating each other on TV for quite some time now, it came as no surprise to see it catch one of its shocked and horrified peers and devour it, only to find itself similarly (and ironically?) ensnared and devoured. We are then told to “Dig Those Crazy Squares.” ™ Right. ‘Cause there’s nothing we ladies like more than fishing, cannibalism, and, uh…digging things? What is this commercial trying to prove?!
Cinnamon Toast Crunch is quite alright. I mean, I thought it was better when it was shaped like toast. You know, before some lazy-ass decided that a general square shape was good enough, and then somebody else decided to compensate for that by adding some “amazing” cinnamon-sugar SWIRLS. But let’s not quibble over the aesthetics. Maybe the toast shape wasn’t cost-effective – I don’t know. Although it no longer resembles actual cinnamon toast, the taste hasn’t changed. Maybe that’s the point. You understand that this one’s a winner — right, General Mills? There’s no sense in wasting all that money on toast shapes or a top-level ad man. Just let the guy who buffs the floors come up with the next commercial. Thus, “Hey, ladies! Fishing cannibals. Dig it.”
Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials rank as only marginally less disturbing than commercials about M&M’s, who stopped eating their own kind a couple years ago in favor of being raped (and stuff) by humans. You know what I’m talking about. Where the giant M&M, usually accompanied by or in the company of some sexy model(s) at some kinda hip social scene is eaten or “eye-raped,” while trying to blend in. Or it’s being shoved, screaming, into an oven by the human with whom it mistakenly believed it shared romantic love… or pleading with lab technicians for mercy before having some smartass of a pretzel from the Bronx inserted into it over its objection. Uh-oh, looks like the guy buffing the floors at Mars is a rapist.
My point is that your advertising campaigns are becoming more and more psychotic, General Mills. I understand that you may feel compelled to “up the crazy ante” since your true target demographic started taking all that Ritalin. You’re probably all, “Kids are crazy nowadays; and they need to be able to identify with their cereal mascots.” But they don’t. They just don’t. I mean, what’s next? Any day now there’s going to be a piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch chained to a dirty basement floor that has got to gnaw itself in half so it can get to the other piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch that has to gouge out its own eyes with a spork to get to the one who is chained to the floor. We have to draw the line somewhere. I’m putting you on notice, General Mills. Enough is enough. You either cut it out, or I swear to God, I will start buying and eating Kashi. Or tearing up little pieces of cardboard into a bowl and eating that. Same thing.