On Love and Validation:

“I don’t need him to validate my existence on this planet!”

Ladies, how many times have you heard that said?  Or thought it?  Or said it?

validatingHave you ever said it to a man?  Did he understand it?   Did you ever hear a man say that about or to any woman, including yourself?  I want to be fair, here – and I admit that sometimes I struggle with that.  But I am going to go ahead and go out on a heterosexual limb here and say that 95% of men wouldn’t think it, say it, or understand it.  Woman power, right?!   WRONG.  While I encourage my beloved readers to feel free to twist my words in whatever manner allows for best application to their individual circumstances, and while I certainly never intend to hinder the progression of any woman’s liberation with my musings, this particular righting is not concerned with such matters.  Let’s take a look at a couple of scenarios!

Scenario 1.

Woman [thinking]:  I don’t need him to validate my existence on this planet!
Man [thinking]:  *sex*  and *nachos*
Woman:  *zooms off to girlfriend’s and/or internet to talk about how miserable she is

Scenario 2.

Woman:  I don’t need you to validate my existence on this planet!
Man:  Huh?
Woman:  *zooms off to club and/or internet to find someone else to validate her existence on this planet*

We don’t need anyone to validate our existence on this planet?  Who teaches us to think like this?  It has its perks, don’t get me wrong.  But for one particularly fatal flaw – it’s not honest.  Okay, maybe if you’re the Dalai Lama a robot.  Are you the Dalai Lama a robot?  If so, congratulations on being awesome.  If not, keep reading.

If I’m being honest, I must admit that, upon occasion, I have comforted myself with the notion that I don’t need such-and-such or so-and-so to validate my existence on this planet.  But I must also admit to acknowledging in retrospect that this is complete bullshit.  I can hold any number of things together with Bandaids and scotch tape – for awhile — but that ain’t the real fix.  Love, in all of its infinite degrees, IS validation.  Think about that for a minute.  And then consider that even the Dalai Lama (XIV), a master of mindfulness who wrote the book on Happiness, acknowledged this, as follows:

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

he looks happy
he looks happy

Of course, the Dalai Lama lived/lives a charmed life.  He didn’t have to wash dishes, for one thing.  Or worry about the rent.  Or long to talk about feelings with someone who is thinking about sex and nachos.  And maybe, just maybe, it takes that kind of life to make common sense sound like poetry.  At any rate, it can’t hurt.  But I digress.

robot love
stay tuned: i will get back to this

As we are not robots, we need love.  Some of the scarier ones among us “love” robots, whether they need it or not – and believe me, I’m going to get to that in a future post — but for now, suffice it to say that that is also dishonest.  We exist to be validated.  And for those who remain convinced that they are “special” – look at it this way:  I don’t need your secretary administrative professional to validate my parking.  But I gotta admit that I expect it.  And I appreciate it when it happens.

Why is it so hard to say, “I need you.”?  Why the reluctance?  I’m glad I asked, because now I can tell you the answer!  It is because we believe that saying it makes us vulnerable.  The fact is, beloved readers, that if you already believe it, you’re already vulnerable.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.   In fact, I have a real problem with anyone who isn’t vulnerable, because I suspect they are aliens, and I am afraid of aliens.  Also, I hate liars.

liesHow about this little beauty from what I like to call the “Cryptic [Facebook Status] Classic Collection” usually accompanied by some irrelevant picture of a beach or something:  “I don’t love you because I need you.  I need you because I love you.”  First of all, to whom are you referring?  And, secondly, why is this nonsense showing up on my “news” feed?  At any rate — okay!  Whatever makes you feel good about yourself!  But, um….it’s the same thing.  Love and need and validation are interconnected.  Not admitting your need might save your pride.  But is that the thing that really needs saving here?  What is pride against the chance that the person you love won’t know it?  We all want to be needed.  Call me an idealist (I’ve been called much, much worse) but I believe that where true love exists, your partner’s needs are indistinguishable from your own.

things liars say
things liars say

This entire selection exists because I was thinking about what sort of man wants a woman who doesn’t need a man.  You know what kind of man wants a woman who doesn’t need a man? Rappers!  I attach the song INDEPENDENT here (with lyrics) for your amusement.  My point?  Rappers ain’t tryna marry you, girr!  That’s why they love how independent you is!  Now back to my actual post:

Too many of us, for reasons I can in no way justify, are brought up to believe that admitting we need someone gives them power over us.   But the truth is that if you love your partner, they already have power over you.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  And if you do not love them, then what?  You’re still in it to get your needs met, and there’s no surer way of getting your needs met than by telling someone what your needs are – which brings me full circle:  don’t speak in code.  “I don’t need you to validate my existence on this planet” is not only bullshit, but counterproductive, and confusing to those who have penises.  Ain’t nobody got time for that!  Tell them how you really feel, and if they can’t handle it, move on.  Or get busy making nachos.  Sex is most likely out of the question if you’re hell-bent on being miserable.

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