I’ve said this before: practically everything I have ever learned in life, I have had to learn the hard way. Except, as always, for all the stuff I learned from The Matrix. Finding “The One” proved to be a task no less daunting, until I realized that there is no “One.” Or, rather, “The One” can only exist where at least one party believes it does – and if they do, no one – not you, not even me, can convince them otherwise. Sound familiar? I stole it from The Matrix. My point is, this is all in your mind. And you can control your mind. So — no pressure.
The other criteria for existence of “The One” is the One’s refusal to accept/believe that they are “The One.” If the One believes they are “The One,” they will value themselves more than their partner, and that way lies madness. Not believing you are “The One” is a necessary component to becoming the same; absent humility, your partner will not think, feel, and behave in ways that will ever allow them to do what they need to do to become “The One.” This is how believers always get in their own way. Which leads me to my guaranteed method for having and holding that which does not exist:
STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT. Hey — are you like really, really old? ‘Cause if you’re not, everything else is fixable. Stop worrying about it. Sometimes I worry about whether I will ever go to Greece, but there are many places to go/see between now and then, and I am not so very old. My point is that One of Many is better than None of One. That is straight-up math. You cannot question it.
NEVER TELL ANY ONE THAT THEY ARE “THE ONE.” Do not employ this phrase in any form of verbal or written communication. Ever. Okay, wait – how ’bout a moratorium: If you are over the age of 60 and/or have been together 30 years, go ahead and tell them. Tell them that they are “The One,” and they have always been “The One,” and that, for you, there never could have been any other. If you’re the kind of person who’s dying to say it, hang in there – you’ll get your chance! (When you’re both closer to dying and the chance of your partner’s inflated ego leading them down the wrong path is diminished almost to the point of non-existence.) There are lots of ways of showing how you feel — and lots more things you can say, but don’t say that, for that is a thing you cannot unsay. Stripping “The One” of their title negates the very existence of “The One” — and what are you, some kind of flip-floppy flake?!
NEVER BELIEVE YOU COULD BE “THE ONE.” If you wake up an average of four out of seven days not understanding what you could have possibly done to deserve your partner, you either need to (1) get the hell out of there while there’s still a chance that you could find happiness with another; or (2) make a sacrifice to the gods for providing you with such an incredible mate – after which you should probably do some mythological/genealogical research to determine by which god you were conceived, ‘cause that’s how this story goes. You think They show Their favor to just anyone? Sorry to have to be the one to tell you that things weren’t always so great between your mom and “dad.” But, hey – things even out. You’ve got a great partner! And probably some magical powers.
In romantic relationships, there is always someone who loves more than they are loved. Always. The key is never being able to determine who it is. Thus, humility is essential. Without a doubt, “he/she stopped trying” is at the heart of every complaint I hear in the relationship arena. When you take your partner for granted, you/they cannot be The One. If you cannot convince a believer in “The One” (with whom you are probably already sleeping) that you are “The One”, even if they never admit it (because I told them not to) you are not trying very hard. Conversely, if you, as a believer in “The One,” cannot make a nonbeliever want to make a sacrifice to the gods for bringing you two crazy kids together (and risk destroying their parents’ marriage, if such applies) then your faith is weak — or your brain is. Try harder…or get the hell outta there. Get busy living or get busy dying. (I stole that one from The Shawshank Redemption).
How many times do we start over in search of “The One?” I am no champion for traditional anything – except, perhaps, parenting — but come on, people! How many times? How many “bad romance” stories are you trying to rack up to discuss with future potential love interests anyway? (Never a good idea, by the way, as discussed here.) Understand that there is no “One,” except the one you construct by never alluding to the possibility that you have found it – or are it. The person who never quite believes that they deserve you will make you both true believers.