Dear Discount-Brand White Cheddar “Popcorn”:
Wtf. What are you, really — and how can it be that you are allowed to call yourself popcorn, much less “perfectly popped” PREMIUM popcorn?! You are certainly not the same as Utz. The dollar or so that I saved by buying you is not worth the unhappy understanding I gained of the existence of popcorn replicas, not to mention the agony of biting into your adamantium kernels. You tricked me, Store-Brand White Cheddar “Popcorn.” I don’t know what’s worse — YOU, the suspect snack product, or the sorry state of the economy that forced me to consider economizing by purchasing suspect snack products, but you best believe it will never happen again.