Dear Pet Owners and Parents:
This morning, the following headline caught my eye:
“Enormous Cat Harrasses Its Owners: Plus-size cat will terrorize its owners until it gets what it wants.”
I didn’t read the rest of the article. Everything I needed to know to set the world straight on this issue is contained in the headline, and I prefer to suppress/reserve my fury for worthier subjects. Now, I don’t know about you-all (oh, wait — yes, I do, because some of you people are bonkers when it comes to your pets) but unless a cat wants to die, it will never get what it wants by harrassing/terrorizing me. I don’t have time for that. I am too busy fending off the terrorist attacks of the creatures I brought forth into this world, for whom I am LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE, and not giving them what they want unless it is also what I want. That’s good parenting, right? Sure, it is! Unless you’re bonkers, and some of you are completely bonkers when it comes to your kids.
Some of you will exclaim in outrage, “That [dog/cat/bird/pig/wtf-ever] is my CHILD!” Um, no it isn’t. It certainly is not your child. If you cannot distinguish between the two it is probably best that you are unable to produce/procure an actual child. I’m not saying you can’t love an animal, and love it an awful lot — even to the point of believing you couldn’t love anything more than it — especially if you have never brought forth life, but it is NOT THE SAME. The only things animals and kids have in common is the eventual development of an expectation that a standard of care will be provided/maintained, and that neither should be terrorizing you and expect to live — much less get their way. Which brings me to my final point:
Pet Owners and Parents, I grew up hard. Much harder than many, but admittedly less hard than many more. It’s all relative. Suffice it to say that when it came to outright harassing/terrorizing people to get my way, I knew better. I was the product of and/or under the jurisdiction of adults who wished I would‘ve tried it. But, you know, it wasn’t all bad. The world, as they say in the Dark Tower series, has moved on. And at the risk of sounding like an old — you know what? I don’t care what it sounds like. I am convinced that it has not moved on for the better when I am confronted with such headlines. You are not doing your pets or kids any favors when you cosign their bullshit by giving in. You must stand your ground — even when it breaks your heart. Because that is much better than somebody breaking their face down the road if you don’t. And by somebody, I mean me. I will kick your cat/kid right in its face if it starts that nonsense around here. Or, at least, I will not feed it.
I’m not saying my way is easy — I am saying it is right. Do try this at home.