NEW RIVER VALLEY, VA – The peace and quiet of a small, private neighborhood has been recently shattered by a local cat, Puppet, who refuses to shut the f*ck up. Local residents say there is no discernible pattern to his caterwauling, and that Puppet cannot be discouraged/deterred by being pelted with whatever one can pick up and throw at him whenever he is seen/heard. “It’s driving me crazy,” a neighborhood resident reports, “my alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m., and at least three days a week, I have to wake up to ‘Raarrrwwrr? Wreeeeooor? Raaaowrrrr?’ at, like, 6:20! Why is it doing that?! What the f*ck does it want?!”
What Puppet wants is not clear, not even to his owner.
“He’s mentally retarded,” says his owner, pausing to yell, “Shut the f*ck up, Puppet!” in response to Puppet’s raowring at the border of another resident’s property. “And I know why,” he continued, “’cause his brother is his dad!”
“That’s not true,” the owner of Puppet’s mother, Berthagnes, and his half-brother, Pan, insists. “He [Puppet’s owner] is from West Virginia. So of course that’s his explanation.” A local feline bio-geneticist agrees, stating, “Although it is clear that Puppet is f*cking retarded, he is not the product of an incestuous relationship between Berthagnes and Pan, both of whom are exceptionally bright and gifted cats, who would never engage in such.”
“That is bullsh*t,” Puppet’s owner disagrees. “He [Puppet] looks just like Pan!”
“Pan looks just like Pan!” Pan’s owner argues. “Is he his own dad, too?!”
“I don’t even know how to respond to that, it’s so ridiculous,” Puppet’s owner responds.
Indeed, Puppet, with his too-close-together-eyes, appears to suffer from the same malady as humans with this particular feature, although it is known that intellectual disabilities are not suffered by creatures born of incest alone. The nature versus nurture debate has long been pondered by behavioralists. Yet whether his “problems” are a product of genetics or a West Virginia upbringing, the fact that Puppet, himself, does not acknowledge family ties is proved by his frequent attempts to physically/sexually batter his mother, Berthagnes. Pan frequently defends his mother’s honor; chasing his criminal-minded brother from the famed “Wild Carport”.
Months of exposure to these threats appears to have taken its toll on Berthagnes, who forsakes ordinary grooming in an attempt to thwart her retarded son’s advances. “Look at her. She’s really let herself go,” Berthagnes’s owner explains. “It doesn’t take a psychology expert to tell you that this is a very common practice when one has been sexually assaulted. But I am,” she added, “a psychology expert. And Puppet is clearly an intellectually disabled sexual predator who needs to shut the f*ck up.”
Puppet, momentarily abandoning his relentless raowring in favor of trying to lick his own too-close-together eyeballs, appears harmless enough. But, left unchecked, he presents a threat — not only to himself and other people and animal residents, but on a much, much larger scale.
“He still has his balls,” Puppets owner shamefacedly admits. “Every time I make an appointment to have him fixed, he escapes and doesn’t come back for a couple of days. I need to lock him up and just go get it done.”
Indeed, he does. Intelligent enough to escape, but not intelligent enough to shut the f*ck up and/or stop trying to rape your own mother is a dangerous combination that cannot be allowed to procreate.