It’s that time of year again and Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! I don’t want to hear about how you don’t “celebrate” Valentine’s Day because it’s “so commercial” and I sure as hell do not want to hear about how it is not a “real” holiday. As anybody who has ever wandered into any retail establishment knows – they’re ALL “commercial.” And what is “real,” anyway? We’ll discuss the Velveteen Rabbit Conundrum around Easter time, but for now – let’s get back to the subject at hand: flowers.
You know what really burns me up? Women who “don’t like flowers.” Yeah, right. Just as men who don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day are either (a) without a lover or possibility of obtaining one at present; or (2) total douchebags; women who “don’t like flowers” are liars. The following is an example of the type of conversation I have had through the years with Women Who Don’t Like Flowers:
Me: Hell, yes, I want some flowers!
Woman Who “Doesn’t Like Flowers”: “Ugh. Flowers are too expensive – especially around the holidays!”
Me: So?! It’s not your money!
Woman Who “Doesn’t Like Flowers”: I just don’t really like flowers. I mean, I don’t see the point. They’re just going to DIE.
Me: I just wish you weren’t a liar.
Woman Who “Doesn’t Like Flowers”: You’re so funny!
Of course the flowers are going to die! They are going to die, whether or not they are purchased for you, because they have already been cut and are sitting in stores and shops all over the world waiting for the people who haven’t lost their damned minds to buy them. Everything dies! What kind of argument is that?!
My point is — what’s not to like? Flowers are pretty, they smell nice; they brighten the room and brighten your day. Everyone who sees them wishes they had someone to send them some, too. There is no point in harboring secret resentment, ladies. Hell, yes, you want some flowers. Whether you and/or your man “believe” in Valentine’s Day or not, it EXISTS. And don’t even get me started on, “If he has to wait until Valentine’s Day [to “surprise” me with flowers, etc.) then I don’t want them, ’cause ‘it doesn’t mean anything‘.” What?! What is wrong with you? If that’s the way he is, and you don’t like it, and you’re still with him, whose fault is it, really? Why did you wait until the holiday to decide that you are mistreated? Get out of there! There’s still time to find somebody new before the big day!
I, for one, will never be accused of not observing (and encouraging others to observe) holiday rites and rituals, whenever I am/they are able (see my post about “State Holidays”). Anyway, I LOVE flowers. If you hate flowers so much, why don’t you give yours to me (the next time you run across a man who knows anything about romance, and is smart enough to disbelieve your flower lies)? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
When was it, exactly, that women stopped considering themselves worthy of romantic gestures? What’s wrong with a little frivolity every now and then – and even more importantly – can you really say it’s frivolous if it makes your day? How much is your time worth? How many flower-hating women spend two hours in the store trying to find the “perfect” greeting card? All of those cards suck, by the way. I intend to develop a line of greeting cards that tell it like it is, but meanwhile, I suggest that you write your own. ‘Cause — think about it — if you can’t write and/or they can’t read, that is either (a) something you’re going to want to know as soon as possible; or (b) something neither of you will notice, if you are perfectly matched. Regardless, violets aren’t blue. They are f-ing purple.
It is with absolute confidence that I say this: every woman/girl loves flowers — every last one. You can take that to the bank. And while you’re there, and if you can afford it (’cause we understand that times are tight) go ahead and withdraw some money to buy some flowers. If you don’t have a partner, buy them for your daughter, your mom, your memaw. Buy some for yourself. You deserve it. I guarantee a return on your investment. Holiday observed.