Paula Deen has Type 2 Diabetes. Really? If that’s not one of the least-shocking secrets ever revealed, then I don’t know anything about anything. And I think we all know better than that.
So, lemme see — in other news, putting some bacon, eggs, cheese, and hamburger between two glazed donuts and/or adding a stick of butter to a couple cans of peas is not considered to be a “recipe” by any real chef anywhere in the world.
Hey, you know who else has diabetes? About 25.8 million Americans – or 8.3 percent of the US population. These figures are expected to skyrocket within the next couple of months, as any fan who doesn’t already have Type 2 Diabetes does their damnedest to get it, so they can continue to (inexplicably) eat/buy any damned thing Paula Deen eats/endorses. Financial experts predict that Paula Deen’s endorsement of diabetic pharmaceuticals will make her the richest person on the face of the planet by December 21, 2012. Turns out the Mayans were onto something. This is how I see the apocalypse playing out:
3.21.2012 – 50 percent of the U.S. Population contracts Type 2 Diabetes. Paula Deen buys out Diabetic pharmaceutical companies and airlines. Type 2 Diabetics eat up all of the food in the nation.
6.21.2012 – Type 2 Diabetic Zombies eat/rob the other 50 percent of the U.S. population; northerners and minorities are eaten first. Okay — all of the children are eaten first, because they are more tender and easier to catch, but then it’s northerners and minorities. Zombies give half of their money to Paula Deen for Diabetes medicine, and the other half for plane tickets in order to branch out to other nations.
9.21.2012 – World food supply consumed on the side with non-diabetic natives. Paula Deen cooks up an army of non-perishable Bacon/Butter Bots.
12.20.2012 – Nothing/nobody left to eat. Type 2 Diabetics eat each other and/or themselves.
12.21.2012 – Paula Deen becomes the richest person on the face of the planet. She is also the only one left alive, aside from a small troupe of survivors who were too fast/clever/badass to be caught/eaten/robbed by the Paula Deen Type 2 Diabetic Zombies.
12.22.2012 – Survivors battle Bacon/Butter Bots. No one survives. No one.
There you have it. This is what megalomaniacs have attempted, Paula Deen has been planning, and the South has been hoping for since that first rebel flag was used as a curtain for that first trailer window. The rise of a new/old world order. But for the rest of us, who cannot comprehend how people like Paula Deen get to be so rich and famous to begin with — it is nothing more than a mad, mad nightmare from which we can never awaken…‘cause we’re all dead.
The end of the world. Brought to you courtesy of Paula Deen Zombies (TM).