Toby Keith. The preeminent singer/songwriter of our time. His music expresses the sentiment that is forever at the forefront of the hearts and minds of the American people, namely, “If you don’t like America, then fuck you!” Don’t try to act like you don’t know who he is. Anybody who hits “search” on the dial of their radio while driving to work in the morning has heard him “sing” about…what?! Don’t try to act like you don’t have “regular” radio in your car, you pretentious asshole! Toby Keith doesn’t want to hear it! His father served in the Army, where he lost his right eye, and flew a flag out in the yard til the day that he died. His mother was a schoolteacher who made all of the kids say the “pledge allegiance” every day. What did your parents do?! That’s what I thought. Don’t make Toby come over there and put a boot up your ass. You don’t want that — and besides, he’s really busy, in case you haven’t noticed.
There have been a whole lot of evildoers getting what’s been coming to them lately, and that is no coincidence. That is Toby Keith. Much more than merely a (justifiably) angry American, Toby Keith was surrendered during infancy by his father to the defense department where he underwent a series of genetic mutations/infusions to become America’s Secret Weapon. It was said that none other than the offspring of the most patriotic couple ever known to man could have endured the transformation process, and that says everything you need to know about The Most American American Who Was Ever Born. Toby Keith was perfected by top military scientists to promote American interests at home and abroad, which he accomplishes primarily by traveling through space and time to put his (actual and metaphorical) boot up people’s asses. It’s the only explanation. Either that, or Toby Keith is fucking with us, making all kindsa money by playing to perfection the role of batshit-crazy patriotic, working-class redneck. Regardless, he is beloved by all true Americans — especially this one. Now, let’s take a look at some of his work: