When a picture is worth one or maybe two words:

You have all heard it said that a picture is worth a thousand words.  Nuh-uh!  Not this time!  This particular adage does not apply to online dating profile pictures.  Not only are you unlikely to meet someone who even knows a thousand words in the mysterious and sometimes frightening realm of online dating, but the pictures you post and those you will encounter are good for eliciting one word (maybe two, tops) reactions from potential “soulmates” from the following table:

This post will attempt to address the most common photo faux pas committed in the online dating world by showing you how these one or two-word reactions apply to pictures that feature the disembodied/severed appendages of former partners. **NOTE:  my family says I shouldn’t post real pictures anymore, ’cause that’s mean, so I have recreated the following from memory:

“Hey, not bad!  Wait a minute, there’s a…

DISEMBODIED HAND!”

At first glance, you’re like, “Cute.” But then you notice the severed hand of the former partner, and you’re all, “Um…No.”  See how quickly that happened?  That’s how it goes when your photo includes the disembodied hand of  a former “soulmate” or, you know, whatever…

SEVERED HEAD = even worse!  Not only does the severed head fail to elicit even a temporary reaction from the positive side, it gets only one word.  And that word is “No.”  Hey, wait — is that your mother’s/sister’s/platonic friend’s severed head?  Hmm….why would you crop them out of your picture?  Oh, that’s right, I don’t care, ’cause No.  Next!

THIS. IS. THE. ABSOLUTE. WORST.

Your marital status clearly says “divorced!”  Are visual aides really necessary?  Nothing says “can’t let go of the past” or “potential partner-relational problems”  like an online dating site profile picture featuring you (I understand they are the finest/most elegant clothes you have ever owned/leased, and I can see how you would think you looked great in them, but damn!) and your severed former bride.  You are some kinda terrible photo cropper — and that is in no way a difficult skill to master!  So…Why?!

Which brings me to this:

Dear Guys Whose Online Dating Profile Pictures feature the Disembodied/Severed Appendages of Former Partners: 

Look, I get it.  I, myself, am not photogenic.  I’m a dork.  And all of my pictures feature me looking like a dork.  And sometimes that makes me unhappy — at any rate, it clearly proved disadvantageous during the 50 first date challenge.  But that doesn’t mean I can’t solve your problems.  Because you know what my pictures DIDN’T feature?  The disembodied/severed appendages of former lovers.  You need help.  Here are some pictures that will guarantee you (at least) a first date with any woman on earth.  Since you clearly lack the most basic of photo editing skills, please have one of your many children, or your mom, or…anybody, copy and paste your head onto one of the following:   

You: Up against impossible odds in a motherf-ing streetfight.  If I saw this pic, I’d be all, “Wow!  Awesome!” And so will everyone else.  Guaranteed.

You: Badass Ninja.  Damn!  There’s snow…some kinda forest?!  Nice!  Where was this magical pic taken?!  What were you doing?!  Who got a nunchaku upside the head or a throwing-star in the eye that day?!  All discoverable in due time, lover.  No girl in her right mind says no to a first date with a Ninja.  Note: You are almost certain to get a second date if you wear your shinobi shouzoku on the first date.  Unless you’re a total f*ck up.

You:  Battling Cthulhu.  There is only one word that can describe a picture of a man with a Val-Kilmer-as-Doc-Holliday-in-Tombstone stache and an American flag tophat battling Cthulhu, and that word is “Hot.”  And I’m not a big fan of mustaches. Or flag hats.  The point is, you are guaranteed to score with this profile pic. The second point is that if you must have a disembodied/severed anything in your profile picture, let it be a mythical creature.  And let you be fighting it.  Unless it’s a good mythical creature, in which case, your pic may feature it accompanying you to kick some evil mythological creature’s ass!

That’s all there is to it.  I am pleased that I was able to shed some light on this serious and detrimental problem, and to have provided you with simple solutions for remedying the same.  Happy happily-ever-after!

Sincerely,

ME

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