In the event of my untimely demise

ONCE UPON A TIME, I read upon Facebook a meme that stated:

“You only live once. But if you do it right, it’s enough.”

I cannot disagree, so long as things work out according to my plan to live as long as I damned well please. Otherwise, no.  Learning how to do things right sucks up at LEAST half of your life – the best looking and most capable half.  And how much fun will your international shenanigans really be if you’re some kinda…halting, hobbling harpy? Not very.

No, my demise shall never be timely…

To that end, I have set forth the following rules to be followed by my loved ones/power of attorney/representative in the event of my untimely/presumed-to-be-pending demise:

RULE No. 1: I am not gone, I am right here. This is the most important rule. Should any “medical authority” try to persuade my loved ones that I am “gone,” my representative will persuade them that, on the contrary, I am right there. This they shall do by any means necessary — including but not limited to immediate worldwide exposure/appeal to the media, threats to sue, and threats of physical/emotional harm to their person and/or loved ones. My advance medical directive will include numerous written templates for threats to various parties.

RULE No. 2: Organ Donor? Not anymore! I’m going to need that…and that, too! Nevermind what my driver’s license says, that decision was made under coercion.  My representative will not hesitate to inform all of the Dr. Frankensteins who are trying to disassemble me for parts (or for posthumous study of the nature of
my awesomeness) that I was not in my right mind when I checked that box — just as they were clearly out of their damned minds when they tried to convince my survivors that I was “gone.” 

RULE No. 3: Never unplug me, or if I am accidentally unplugged, plug me back in. Hastening my “passing” should never be so simple, but just in case it is…

RULE No. 3a: Never trust to chance.  My loved ones/power of attorney/representative will have a large generator installed to make sure that if they discover that I was unplugged, they will have time to plug me back in after they finish whatever they were doing when they became aware that I was unplugged. It is not my wish to inconvenience my loved ones/power of attorney/representative. Go ahead…finish your dinner!

RULE No. 4: Cryogenics = good! If it appears I am not likely to make an immediate comeback, go ahead and freeze me while I still look pretty good, that way I’ll be ready to spring into action when I recover consciousness.  While they are waiting for the cure, my representative will feel free to thaw me out every now and then and upgrade me with whatever new technology allows, so I will stay relevant. I think “Storm” eyes and an adamantium skeleton would go nicely with the extrasensory abilities I already possess and/or will soon discover that I possess.

upgraded eyes

RULE No. 5: I will never be “brain-dead”. Come on, it’s me we’re talking about! My representative will understand that my brain is not dead; rather, it is taking a well-deserved break and/or busy plotting revenge on the motherf*ckers who are trying to persuade my representative to allow them to harvest my organs, or unplug me, or not clutter up the hospital room with a 2,000-pound generator, or not go through the expense of freezing/upgrading me. They will trust that my brain will be back when it has figured out the best way to avenge myself.

me. in jewelry form.

RULE No. 6Diamonds are Forever. In the event that my untimely demise is not preventable by my loved ones/power of attorney/representative, which can obviously only occur if I am blasted into smithereens or suchlike, my survivors will gather up the smithereens and have me made into one-of-a-kind cremation jewelry pieces that are destined to become magical family heirlooms. Have you seen these black diamonds they have out nowadays?! They are stunning! Make me into those! My Ongoing Will & Testament will include legendary stories of how I will continue, in jewelry form, to further the interests of my progeny. Which brings us full circle to proving Rule No. 1. How can I be “gone” if I’m right there, solving your problems in jewelry form?!

You know, maybe the secret to immortality is that there is no secret — just some really, really good, clearly-stated rules for your loved ones/legal representative(s) to follow. If we (and by “we” I mean “myself and my loved ones”) could live as long as we wanted, one life is sufficient. Otherwise, as previously stated, I’m going to need more time – a lot more — for myself, and for the people I love.  So get to work on that you Princes and Princesses of Science…you Kings and Queens of Magic!  Lest chaos holds sway and ensures my untimely demise.

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