Dear Church Who Discriminates Against/Bans People and Stuff (aka Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church):
I support your right to disapprove and discriminate. Why shouldn’t you be allowed to ban(ish) whomever or whatever it is that you don’t want sitting next to you and breathing up all of your air while you’re trying to get right with the Lord Almighty? Those persons/things are a distraction! Speaking of distractions, did you see what so-and-so wore to the women’s ministry meeting last week? I didn’t know y’all were running a whorehouse on Tuesday nights, did you?
I don’t think the hordes of angry protesters get that this is really a lot more about space than hate. There’s barely room for people to sit as it is! Maybe if Deacon So-and-so and his wife didn’t spend all of the building fund/offering money at the all-you-can-eat buffets, you could allow more people to join or afford to build onto the sanctuary. LOL! Like that’s going to [stop] happen[ing]! Also, have you noticed that you can hardly see the Pastor through his wife’s gi-normous hats? Where does she think she is, Paris?! By the way, did you hear they were having marital problems? Look how frigid she is! Poor Pastor! He doesn’t look like he’s had a decent meal (much less anything else — *wink*) in a month of Sundays!
Another thing I don’t think the general public understands is that the last thing you-all need right now is to see/hear people of contrasting colors and/or from other countries screeching along to that god-awful piano accompaniment! If so-and-so spent as much time practicing piano as she does on that “Facebook Internet,” maybe you wouldn’t keep getting those terrible headaches! Not like you can get healed in that church, with so-and-so and his family monopolizing all of the alter time! There ain’t nothing wrong with that man that a steady job won’t fix! How much you want to bet he asks for help with his bills again this month even though his wife picked up TWO food boxes last month?! It’s sad, what this world is coming to. Pray for them. That’s all you can do for these people is pray for them.
I, personally, do not know why everybody is making such a fuss about you not wanting interracial couples joining your congregation. I don’t even let different cookies be together at my house! I tried that once, but you should have seen how the Nilla Wafers were just throwing themselves at the Oreos. It was disgusting! I was like, “Have some self-respect! What are your babies going to look like?! They won’t belong to EITHER WORLD!”
And it’s not even like the Oreos even want the Nilla Wafers. It ain’t about romance — it’s about…reparations! I was all, “Oh, HELL no! Not around my kids!” And I threw both packages in the donation box to give to that poor family at your church.
In conclusion — whose house? GOD’S HOUSE! Pastor So-and-so knows what God wants! It’s right there in the Book. And not one bit of it is subjective. Let these other churches keep on allowing interracial couples to join; let them keep on handing out duplex sandwich cookies to all the Sunday school kids until hell freezes over! They’ll be grateful when that happens, ’cause it’s going to be awfully hot for them (and everyone else in the entire universe except the members of your church) in that lake of fire!
So keep on keepin’ on, Church — and keep on advertising, that way everybody will know who is going to heaven and who’s not. What God hath joined together, let no trifling, self-respect-lacking travesty of a chocolate-vanilla combo put asunder!
Dear Non-Conformists Who Want To Sing In/Otherwise Belong to a Discriminating Church (aka Stella Harville and Ticha Chikuni):
What is wrong with you? Seriously. Especially YOU, Stella! Did you really think you could sneak this one past these people? You’ve been going to that church for how long?! I mean, for God’s sake! The conical hats!? The stained-glass window!? The Kentucky?!? Were you really surprised by what happened? I don’t think so. Of course they were wrong! But this is America! We are a melting pot of stupidity! And with all due respect, YOU were the one who was hell bent on joining them! Pray tell — who alerted the media? I think y’all set this up on purpose to get some attention and/or money. NICE! Um, I mean…GROW UP! And while you’re at it, move away from Kentucky. They are not trying to have it. Oh, wait — I forgot that they recanted in the face of the media blitz and are going to let y’all join. Praise the Lord!
p.s. for some reason, this song was playing in my head when i was thinking about interracial cookie and human relationships. so…here you go: