To the LEGO Corporation:


LEGO Corporate Information & Public Relations
DK-7190 Billund

Dear Jørgen Vig Knudstorp, CEO of LEGO:

First things first – I hate you, LEGO.  I don’t even have to PLAY your ridiculous video games to hate you – watching the commercials is enough. But the reason I really hate you, LEGO, is because your obsession with “branching out” and “staying relevant” is ruining the magic of what you were before childhood consisted of sitting on your ass eating Cheetos all day and playing video games.

Every time I need to buy a present for a child in my life, I remember that magic, and try to find a ginormous bucket of plain-old LEGO blocks – to no avail. WHY?  I would rather give an orphan a bucket of gravels than one of your pre-assembled Harry Potter/Star Wars adventure kits.  How dare you attempt to force-feed the orphans pre-fab fantasy?!  If kids want to create those worlds, let them exercise their imagination and develop their problem-solving/fine motor skills by figuring out how to connect millions of interlocking pieces and build it THEMSELVES.  Like we did.

The evolution of LEGO appears to coincide with the evolution of parenting – but which came first?  The corporations, that’s who.   Here is how I imagine it came to pass:

LEGO executive’s kid:  Look, Dad! I built the Millennium Falcon!  *whips out extremely fucked-up assembly of LEGOs that is unrecognizable as the Millenium Falcon*

LEGO executive: LOL!  WTF?!

LEGO executive’s kid:  *runs away crying, dropping his “Millennium Falcon” on the floor, where it shatters into like 700 pieces*

LEGO executive: *Shaking his head* I remember when we used to build EVERYTHING with these things.  There must be a way to help my child develop his skills…maybe I could sit down with him and show him a few tricks…

Oh, hell no.  There’s no way that asshole in accounting’s kid is going to beat mine in the Labor Day LEGOff again!  There’s gotta be an easier/faster way to fix this…*LIGHT BULB*

And that is how it all went down, LEGO.  Rather than stop whatever he was doing and sitting down and playing with his attention-starved kid – YOUR EXECUTIVE ordered the designers to develop pre-fab kits.

Or MAYBE it went down like this:

LEGO executive’s kid:  Waaah! I can’t build Optimus Prime!!!  It’s too hard!!! *throws handful of LEGOs across the room*

LEGO executive: There, there, son.  Let’s talk about how these LEGO blocks are making you feel.

LEGO executive’s kid:   NO!  I hate these stupid LEGOs!  *throws LEGOs at Dad*   

LEGO executive:  These LEGOs are really bad for his self-esteem development! Why do we have to make it so hard on him?  How can we give him what he wants with no imagination/effort on his part required…. *LIGHT BULB*

And that’s exactly what happened, LEGO.  Rather than pick up the empty LEGO block bucket and beat the shit out of his spoiled, lazy kid, and then making him pick up those blocks and build Transformers until he could act like he had some sense – YOUR EXECUTIVE demanded the design of pre-fab kits.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Next thing you know, y’all are doing away with the blocks altogether, and making VIDEO GAMES out of pre-fab block characters.  WTF.  I don’t think I even have to go into all the reasons why your video games suck at this point, because for god’s sake, you’ve seen them! Besides, I got you at INCEPTION.  What kind of self-respecting manufacturer of construction toys are you?!  I’ve got news for you people, if it doesn’t necessitate getting off your ass, it ain’t construction!

One day, I will probably adopt an orphan, and raise him up a Spartan.  He will grow up playing with sticks and…buckets of gravels, and he will make them swords and castles.  Then some other day, he will fulfill his destiny by coming to the LEGO Corporate Headquarters in Billund, Denmark in his “Michael Jackson’s Thriller” t-shirt to kick your ass.



P.S.  As far as I’m concerned, the only cool thing to come out of LEGOs since I was a child are the stop-action Michael Jackson videos on youtube.  And the only reason that’s cool is because SOMEBODY used their IMAGINATION to BUILD SOMETHING that pays tribute to MICHAEL JACKSON.


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