Wal*Mart v. Target

Mr. Mike Duke
President/CEO Wal-Mart Stores, Inc
702 SW 8th Street
PO BOX 116
Bentonville, AR 72716

Dear World’s Largest Retailer and Private Employer:

Your time of tyranny is over. Before I implement my plan to see your empire fallen, there are a few preliminary matters I would address by way of explanation [for
destroying you]:

WAL*MART DISCRIMINATES AGAINST WOMEN – Wal-Mart discriminates by sex in pay, promotion, and compensation. Nearly three-quarters of a million women work as “sales associates” in Wal-Mart stores, and three-quarters of your employees are women — yet only a third of your managers, and just 10% your top managers, are women. Less experienced male employees are consistently paid thousands of dollars more than their experienced female counterparts.

Women who make pants in El Salvador earn 15 cents for each pair; Wal-Mart sells these pants for $16.95 in its U.S. stores. Also, contractors in El Salvador force workers to take pregnancy tests.

Not only will your health plans NOT cover the costs of contraceptives, but you refuse to carry [the emergency contraception pill] Preven, thus leaving a  staggering 70% your employees with no choice but to have back seat abortions in
the car of “Jose”, who, incidentally, moonlights as an underpaid and undocumented stocker in Wal-Mart’s coat hanger department.

Your policies perpetuate sexual discrimination, which, in turn contributes to sexual violence. A lot of people think sexism is in the past, but it’s not.  When Crystal’s “baby daddy” sees all the shit she puts up with from Wal-Mart, he thinks date rape and/or beating the hell out of her for burning the Hamburger Helper is okay. And goddammit, its not.

WAL*MART DISCRIMINATES AGAINST HANDICAPPED PEOPLE –Remember THIS question from your job application?

Please tell Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. about your transportation:

[ ] I have my own transportation.
[ ] I use public transportation.
[ ] I roll my crippled ass around in a wheelchair.

That was a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. I told the EEOC on you. The $6 million you were forced to pay them in settlement that one time is nothing compared to the financial ruin that awaits you once I take my business

WAL*MART SHOULD NOT BE IN THE LIVE FISH BUSINESS – I am sick to death of the carnage in your fish department, and your indiscriminate mixing of incompatible species. What’s next, a Burmese tiger department? How ’bout just getting one big fucking cage and throw those tigers in with some kangaroos…and polar bears.

WAL*MART USES ILLEGAL TACTICS TO KILL UNIONIZATION EFFORTS — NO, ACTUALLY, THEY JUST KILL EVERYONE WHO MENTIONS THE WORD “UNION” – I remember that time the meat cutters in Texas voted to organize, and you quashed the union by closing all the butcher shops in all your stores, after grinding the meat cutters into hamburger and selling them for .79 per pound. Yes, I bought some, ’cause hey — .79 per pound — but that is the LAST TIME.  I will no longer stand idly by and let you kill everyone who says the word “union” you goddamned union-busting mafians.


WAL*MART THINKS IT IS “ALL THAT” – You guys think you are all that. You’re all “don’t listen to music with swear words”, “don’t prevent/terminate that pregnancy”, “don’t let your kid play with that recalled toy.”  Pft. Who died and made you self-appointed guardians and protectors of consumer morality?

So there you have it, Wal-Mart. Now you know why I must henceforth boycott all Wal-Mart stores and affiliates, thus effectively toppling your mighty, mighty empire. I liken this glorious vision to kicking the coffee table after someone puts the last playing card on a playing card tower — and I look forward to sitting back and watching it happen with all my heart.

You may be No. 1 on the Fortune 500, have 8,100 stores in 15 countries, 2.1 million associates, assets totaling more than the GDP of 155 of the 192 countries in the world, and make $40,000 profit every single minute, but I have…like $100/week in disposable income, and an unquenchable thirst to see you fallen. You cannot hope to prevail.

I wish I could feel sorrow for the many jobs that will be lost by my refusal to support your global enterprise, but I trust the Republicans will come to your rescue, and you know what they say — it ain’t show friends, it’s show business.

With all due respect,


Mr. Gregg Steinhafel
Chairman & CEO
Target Corporation and Target Stores
1000 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, MN 55403

Dear Second-Largest Retailer in the United States:

There are many reasons why I favor your stores, starting with the uncluttered aisles, and ending with your not having those goddamned greeters in blue smocks trying to give me smiley-face stickers at the door.  I think I speak for all consumers when I say that I do not wish to be “greeted” and I sure as hell do not want to “have a nice day.”

I am very impressed with the way you don’t care if I purchase anything or not, as evidenced by your refusal to influence my buying by strategically placing merchandise in my path. I admire your confidence that no one will shoplift, as I’ve yet to hear that “someone” has activated Target’s inventory control system, even with eight pregnancy tests and a case of Preven stuffed in “their” coat.  I adore the way you don’t lock up your DVDs/games — you don’t have to, right?  You know all those criminals are “shopping” at Wal-Mart!

I am also pleased that Target stores do not have a craft department, and that the craft department they do not have is not stocked with hand-painted “If Heaven aint a lot like Wal-Mart, I don’t wanna go!” novelties.

The presentation of your merchandise is on a much higher scale than your competitors. You guys are just so colorful, hip and trendy! I support your decision against cluttering up the merchandise with those unsightly “price tags”. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it, right? And may I salute you on your recent collaborations with top fashion designers?  That was an absolutely brilliant strategy for cornering the market on budget-conscious brand-whores!  I don’t even know what to say about your partnership with E*Trade! I appreciate the opportunity to manage my investment portfolio as I shop, if I had a portfolio. But I digress.

My Point is, Mr. Target Stores Chairman and CEO, that even if you DO put on your mom’s bra and panties every night and molest the neighborhood boys, as Wal-Mart President Mike Duke insists — it is of no interest to me. I am only interested in your indisputable professional ethics, and if I may be so bold — the $13,306,634.00
in salary/incentives you are paid annually is not nearly enough to compensate you for catering to a better class of shopper.  I, for one, will gladly pay higher prices for every single comparable item for the privilege of disassociating myself with Wal-Mart, whose President, as I believe I’ve mentioned, insists that you are a cross-dressing child-molester.

In conclusion, I salute you for having carved out a niche in the retail world by offering upscale, fashion-forward discount merchandise, and trust that, thanks in no small part to my support of your business, that youll not have to feign contentment with that #33 slot in the Fortune 500 for long.

With best wishes for your continued prosperity, I remain


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