Dear Progresso Soup Company:
You know what — give it up, “Progresso” — name all sounding like some kind of underground sociopolitical movement. Why you gotta be all, “Do you need a BIB with your Campbell’s Soup?” No. And we dont need a bib to kick your ass, either.
It is a little presumptuous of you to step to the company that holds approximately 70 percent ($6.7 billion) of soup industry sales to your — what was it, again — 12? Don’t you think?
Seriously. And stop putting animal juice in your vegetarian varieties. That’s not right.
Campbell’s Soup is for everyone, inasmuch as everyone likes soup — which they don’t (unless they’re sick). And when I’m suffering from cold and flu symptoms, the last fucking thing I need is to choke to death on your giant chunks of all-white-meat chicken and fresh garden vegetables. I want 11,000 grams of sodium, some teeny-tiny noodle stars, and little gray chunks of…whatever the hell that is. Mm! Mm! GREAT.
Additionally, I don’t want to hear anymore about your condescending “grown-up varieties.” My tastes are not that sophisticated, therefore, it naturally follows that neither is anyone else’s. So you can take your Ostrich Minestrone and Cream of…Buffalo and go straight to hell.
Where my Tomato at?