Do you like to argue? Me too! Here are some foolproof tactics for winning any argument with any person at any time — ESPECIALLY on the internet! Go crazy!
- LOL! Just LOL @ ________!!!!!
Topic over your head? Nonsense! You don’t need to have an original thought to get noticed! Let them know they’re so ridiculous that you can’t even be bothered and/or show your support/disdain by LOLing @ whoever is winning or losing. Also acceptable to LYAO or LYMFAO.
- VAGUE & MYSTERIOUS
Allude to your exemplary qualifications (be they intellectual or physical, relevant or irrelevant) in the vaguest possible terms every chance you get. Tell any proof-seeking challenger that you wouldn’t have a problem showing your credentials/proving yourself in a “motherf-ing streetfight” if there hadn’t already been numerous threats made to/against your loved ones. Remind your opponent how lucky they are that you claim privacy by necessity, and make sure that they understand in no uncertain terms that if they want to *TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL* you will gladly offer up the documentation (and/or the ass-whipping) the moment the threat to your loved ones is dispelled.
- PEDANTIC ANTICS!
Who cares what they “think”? They can’t spell worth a shit!
You can probaly imagine the affects of such embarassment, and will definately win you’re arguement if you ridacule there spelling/grammer, like “Yeah, Congradulations, looser!”
- AUDIENCE SYMPATHY
Hey, doesn’t your opponent have a lot of money? They sure as hell dont give vocabularies like that away for free. Get everyone else on your side by playing to your opponent’s jealousies/sympathies/insecurities. Also, always assume
your opponent did nothing to earn their money, unlike you (who has the toughest
of blue-collar jobs) i.e. “I’m sorry — I didn’t realize you had to have a rich daddy / make six figures while sitting on your ass all day to have an opinion.” and “What do I know, I’m just an auto-mechanic who works construction on the weekends that I’m not serving my country in the reserves / on call with the volunteer fire department saving lives?”
Remember, it doesn’t matter if you’re right if everyone hates you.
Probably everyone agrees with you, it just comes out all wrong. Tell them what they’re really thinking/saying/doing, and spare them the agony of continuing to misrepresent their own thoughts. i.e., “You know I’m right.” or “What you’re really saying is you hate our freedoms.” or “You’re being emotional.”
- PREJUDICE & EXCEPTION
Come on, now — what is it about your opponent that you REALLY find most disagreeable? With that in mind, tell them that you understand that they can’t help but argue that position, considering they’re just a _____________.
- REMEMBER THE TIME
If you’ve been around long enough, you’re going to remember a time your opponent was PW3nD. Make sure you bring it up every time they try to rise above it. If you haven’t been around long enough, or if it hasn’t happened, make up the time. Either way, make it sound worse than it really was.
- LOGICAL FALLACIES
Don’t know what they are? Neither does anyone else! When the chips are down, it’s time to open up a can of red herring and drag out the straw man. And when they’re really down, nothing says “smart”(-er than you) like a little ad hominem/baculum/consequentiam/populum.
Again, against the power of Latin, none can defend. Quid quid latine dictim sit, altum videtur.
- COME BACK LATER
If you’ve ever had to disappear to save face, don’t even worry about it — when the topic comes back around (and it will) you get right back up on that horse and ride, mister! If anyone tries to “bring up the past” tell them 1) that you don’t like to live in the past; 2) that you really can’t remember the details, but you can certainly remember that they are a goddamned liar; and 3) the reason you can’t remember the details is because you had some sort of work/family emergency/crisis, after all, unlike *some people* you “live in the real world”/have a “real life” away from the internet.